Roof Repair

ANNUAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW — Gutter #7429, please report to HR. STRENGTHS: Shows up every day. Handles heavy storm workloads without complaining. WEAKNESSES: Hoards autumn leaves. Sags under pressure. Currently storing one (1) tennis ball. Status: OVERFULL. VERDICT: NEEDS IMPROVEMENT. Your gutters are on a performance improvement plan — starting with a clean-out before the first freeze. Real tip, no HR required: stand back after a rain and look for water spilling over the edge

We're re-running one of the week's most-watched: the afternoon Kansas City's gutters detached from the fascia at approximately 4:47 PM, unfurled tiny legs, and began marching across the lawn carrying picket signs. The Totally Real News Network has independently verified every frame as 100% real. Their demands, sources say, include "fewer leaves" and "a living wage." The dachshund in the hard hat was brought back in as union negotiator — though talks stalled again when he ate